SHAME ON YOU? NO WAY!

Share whatever it is you're ashamed about. You may think you can hide your shame by not talking about it, but in reality, it's your shame that's hiding you.

--Adam Appleson

Lately the issue of shame has come up with various friends and clients.  Few have been willing to actually come clean and tell me what it is that has them feeling ashamed, but I can tell it is there just the same, dragging them down into the abyss of fear.  WHAT IF SOMEONE FINDS OUT WHAT I HAVE DONE?  WHAT IF THEY SEE HOW BAD I REALLY AM? 

We have all done things we regret.  It is part of being human.  Shame, however, goes deeper than regret.  Regret says that we have learned something and will do our best to avoid those circumstances again.  But shame threatens to envelop us, to consume us altogether.  It is, in general, a devastating emotion that humans will do just about anything to avoid.  I liken shame to feeling as if one is drowning, with no hope of a life preserver.

I am here today to tell you that the condemnation and fear you feel from your shame need not hold you in its grip one more minute.  Today is the day YOU can set yourself free from shame.  It has no place in your life, I don't care what you have done.  It is a worthless emotion that has taken the lives of far too many good people.

 

Shame often stems from a childhood where the parents have been either rigidly moralistic, or unable to own their own wrongdoings.  These parents then project their issues onto the innocent child: YOU.  The child takes on the emotional responsibility for the parents at this point. This leads some kids to become super good and perfectionistic, while leading other kids to fight for visibility by carrying the "badness" or shame of their parents out into the open.  They feel that they are otherwise not visible to their parents, and act out in order to gain their attention.  The parents then negatively reinforce the behavior through shameful punishment or words, and the child adds more reinforced, bad behaviors to form an identity:  The Black Sheep.  

The shame that you carry does not serve you.  At one time it served someone else, someone who had authority over you, and who had not dealt with their own issues.  They no longer hold that authority, because you are now a fully grown, mature, independent being.  You are no longer a confused, scared child desperate to gain approval.  You are a loving, compassionate being who can view those former authority figures with pity.  There is no need for anger or disdain; those do not serve you, either.  Let forgiveness and compassion be your best friends and constant companions.  Forgive others, and forgive yourself.

Picture a very young child all alone on a stage.  Would you stand there and yell at a child of 3 or 4 years old, telling her she was stupid and never did anything right, and maybe even hit her a few times just to make your point?  Of course not!  If you did, that child would either end up completely docile and hurting in a corner, or tearing around like a bat out of hell destroying all they could get their little hands on.  Instead, you would tell her how much you love her; how much you care; how very bright and good and clever and sweet she is; that you love the way she does things, and that it is okay for her to make mistakes.

Each of us has that 3-year-old child within us, and we spend most of our time yelling at that poor kid.  This is why our lives don't work.  We continue acting out the script that was written for us when we had no control.  Well I am telling you that now you DO have control over your life.  Refuse to live in shame any longer.  Refuse to behave as one who is ashamed.  LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO GROW UP,  dear one.  Take responsibility and own what is truly yours - and let the rest go.  Forgiveness is the path.

"We are all here to transcend our early limitations, whatever they were.  We're here to recognize our own magnificence and divinity no matter what they told us."  ~ Louise Hay

Spiritual Mind Treatment:

God is LOVE. I am a child of the infinite source, and my consciousness soars. I am a blessing unfolding. I am free from all shame and judgment; I willingly release the past, and live my life in right action.  God is at work in my life. My life is balanced and healthy, and I am grateful.  I turn it over to the infinite law, which is even now unfolding.  I let it be, and so it is.

*Thank you to my beloved Louise Hay for her beautiful insights, and also to Andrea Mathews, L.P.C.

The VERY BEST Advice

Namaste, fellow Soul Pilgrims!

Here we are in 2012, hard as it is to believe.  Regardless of the hype about this year and the Mayan calendar, I trust you are filled with hope and anticipation about the vast potential that the new year holds for each of us!  I know I am.  Let this be your year!

I recently started practicing healing massage as an addition to my Soul Pilgrim Services, and it has been absolutely wonderful!  I just love laying my hands on people with the goal of of helping them to relax and de-stress, as well as being a channel for Universal love, the most healing factor of all!  In addition to adding massage to my list of skills and income generators, I hope this year to also start speaking at various retreats, particularly on the issue of Life Transitions.  This is a passion of mine, helping people to see that transitions are a fantastic gateway to living the life we really want, rather than simply something to be endured.  

On this topic, the very best advice I ever received came from one of my older siblings.  On the occasion of my 40th birthday, my brother sent me a brief, but incredibly important message.  It said:  

"Your life is now officially getting shorter!  Do what makes you happy."

Take a minute to digest that.  I felt simultaneously slapped in the face and given my freedom all at the same time (sounds like a sibling dynamic to me).  I don't know why it hit me so hard; perhaps because it was on a birthday that had a 0 at the end.  Those ones are great for making us take a good look at where we are, where we've been, and where we want to go.  I was definitely ripe for his sage words.  

YOUR LIFE IS OFFICIALLY GETTING SHORTER.  

Not exactly the words one longs to hear, especially when hitting the Big 4-0 (which, in Roman numerals, is XL.  How ironic is that?!).  But I would rather have the truth hurt me than be comforted by a lie any day of the week! Those words were a tremendous gift to me:  A timely reminder that my days in this body will one day draw to a close.  Will I have truly LIVED them out, or merely existed?  Wake up and live every day that you have left!

DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.  

Thank you, thank you, my wonderful Big Brother!  Thank you for affirming me and setting me free.  These words were a beautiful gift to me.  And I took them to heart, believe me.  I now do what makes me happy, without regard for what others think.  Case in point:  Tonight you will find me in my living room, having fun with my hula hoop!  Sporting dreadlocks and my old PJs!  In no makeup!  Why?  Because it makes me happy.   Life gets serious very quickly.  Seize those giggles and blissful sighs whenever you can!  Need further proof that I don't care what nay-sayers may think?  Next week I am taking my daughter out to a belly dance class!  Because it makes me happy.  

Do you get it?  Life is getting SHORTER.  Do what you want, when you want.  Do not waste your time - the most precious gift of all - being a martyr, or living a life that makes you miserable.  Your happiness is up to you!  

What would make you happy?  A career change?  A different relationship?  An improved relationship? Changing your appearance?  Increasing your bank account?  While these things may not be able to happen over night, you can take your first step TODAY towards living out that happiness.  Your life is an absolute gift to you.  Do not squander it.  Make it truly your own.  Don't wait for anyone else to give you permission - just do what makes you happy.  Today.

I recognize the infinite creative, intelligent, loving Force that permeates all.  I acknowledge that I am a part of this Universal Energy.  I realize that my every desire is available to me, and that the Universe conspires in my favor constantly to manifest those desires! I acknowledge that it is up to me to walk through the doors which are opened unto me daily.  I give thanks for the awakening I have received today, and receive with gratitude the opportunity to fully live my own life.   I release these powerful words into the Law of Mind, knowing that it is already so.  And so it is.  

Wishing you your own revelations about happiness,

Rev. Jan.

The Hairdo That Says It All

Namaste, fellow Soul Pilgrims!

I recently got drastic with my hair.  Very drastic.  In fact, you might say it is dreadful, what I did.  And you'd be right!  After research and soul search, I decided to take the plunge - and transform my head of beautiful, long, curly tresses into dreadlocks.  That's right:  DREADLOCKS. Those funky-looking, messy, snake-like twists of hairy strangeness!

Quick - what comes to your mind?  Besides the obvious, that I must have lost mine.  I mean, when you come across people with dreads, what is your immediate thought about them?   I'll tell you what I have always thought when encountering a dreadhead:  That they march to their own drummer, flout convention, and simply do not care what others think of them.  And let's not forget that other small bit about totally telling Fashion Dictators to get stuffed!  I confess to loving all of those notions, but for me there was more to the story.

If you have followed my posts from Day 1, you are familiar with my spiritual odyssey, having left behind my ultra conservative views and embraced a much larger philosophy.  My views on God have expanded, my fears have largely subsided, and my judgments against my fellow man continue to drop away.  I much prefer this open-minded person; this imperfect person who thrives on questioning and seeking, who refuses to ever again be told WHAT or HOW to think.  This is the state I find myself in now, in my early 40s.  And it was with this in mind that I decided to say "Goodbye!" to my crowning glory - at least in conventional terms.  My hair is still all there, but it looks anything but glorious at this point.

Only a month in, my dreads are still considered babies.  They are wild and unruly and thoroughly disobedient.  I chose to do them myself (with the help of a dear friend & my patient family) and have opted to go natural with them:  No wax or products to help them lock up faster or "look neater."  To me, the journey my dreads go through is symbolic of my own journey through this life.  We all start somewhere, and it takes time to grow and mature!  I would never disrespect those who choose to go to a salon and have their dreads professionally done - that is part of their own journey.  For me, however, part of my own journey is letting go of the frantic need to keep up appearances.  The day I did my dreads was the day I took myself out of the rat race of physical beauty.  It seems crazy to me that in my 40s I am expected to try and look like I did in my 20s, etc.  That whole "cougar thing" just was not working for me.  Happily, it would seem that dreading my hair and having it look totally weird, wild, crazy, funky, and messy DOES work for me!  Whodathunkit? 

Kudos go out here to my delightful and exceedingly patient husband, who has put up with so many changes from me over the last 5 years.  When a friend recently asked how he could stand my new hairdo, he simply smiled, shrugged, and replied: "It's Janice!  A month from now she will be doing something else crazy."   After a mere 17 years of marriage, I think he finally understands me!

So I am ending 2011 on a very happy note.  I am pleased with who I am and who I am becoming.  I am thankful for all of the love in my life.  I am grateful for another year of good health for me and my loved ones!  It pleases me that I am able to be more and more myself, and feel so comfortable doing it. 

"We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity, and its first chapter is New Year's Day." 

~ Edith Lovejoy Pierce

May 2012 bring you growth, love, triumph, abundance, and inner peace.  Thank you for sharing my journey.

-Rev. Jan

Stress As Teacher

Namaste, fellow Pilgrims.

I live in the Okanagan Valley, which is a beautiful place to be.  At night when I look around me, I see the lights of  thousands of homes twinkling brightly on the hills which surround me, looking like an ethereal fairieland.  Recently, however, the Universe gave me a great reminder:  Every one of those twinkling lights represents a person or family living with stress.  New baby or aging parent.  New job or laid off.  Newly married or newly separated.  The list of possible stressors is pretty much endless.

Whether a joyfully anticipated change or a sudden and unwanted one, change = stress to human beings.  To be alive means to live with stress, particularly in our modern, fast paced Western world.  I can't be the only one who has thought of running away and joining a convent/monastery - without even being Roman Catholic or Buddhist!  It is simply the price we pay for being alive.

The trick is to change the way we view stress.  To be sure, our immediate reaction is generally anxiety.  But if we can manage to take those deep breaths and count to 10 (meditation works wonders, my friends!), we just may learn something from our stressful situation.  Dr. Dean Ornish put it succinctly when he said:  "pain and suffering [a.k.a. stress] can be a powerful doorway for transforming our lives for the better."  Does that sound counter-intuitive?  It's really not.  Let me give an example from my own life.

Recently I was faced with the realization that someone I have felt close to did not seem to return my affections to the same degree.  This hit me like a ton of bricks.  I felt sad, foolish, and confused.  You might say I felt stressed! I had anticipated this person being an important part of my life for years to come, and suddenly it no longer seemed like that was the case.  While crying in the bathroom, looking at my tear-stained, mascara-streaked face, the Universe once again gave me a much-needed thump on the head:  If this person did not love me, was I therefore unlovable? 

As I pondered my reflection, I already knew the answer:  What's not to love?  I have not changed simply because another person does not want to be with me any longer.   It is a part of their own journey to determine whom to welcome or dismiss from their life.  If I choose to hold onto my stress and grief over the seeming loss of any relationship, it is to my own detriment.  I gave thanks and dried my eyes, getting on with the rest of my day.

The blessed irony of my own situation is that, within 24 hours of releasing my "need" for this person, they popped back up on the radar, reaffirmed their enjoyment of our relationship, and all was right in the world!  Well, at least where this person is concerned.  The lesson learned, however, remains a significant one for me. 

In general, stressful situations are temporary.  We are not designed to live with chronic, dangerous levels of stress.  It is to come and go, propelling us to grow, let go, learn, and move on.   We all grieve losses and fear change to some degree, but we must not get trapped in that place.  Stress will always be with us, because change is part of life.  The sooner we learn to view it as a doorway to transition, the better it will serve us. 

"Maturity is achieved when a person accepts life as full of tension."  ~Joshua L. Liebman

PRAYER:
I know that there is One Intelligence.  It is perfect, whole, complete, and harmonious. There is One life:  That Life is God, that Life is perfect, that Life is my life, now.  I know that Divine Intelligence now guides and directs my every thought and action.  I know what to do, when to do it, and how to do it.  I am open to receive loving instruction through my life situations, and to learn from each one.  I now embrace today's lesson:  I receive it, understand it, and apply my new-found knowledge to help me grow in this life, and pass on my knowledge so that others may benefit from it.  For this knowledge, for this understanding, I am grateful. I give thanks that all this is so. And So It Is.

With a thankful heart,

Rev. Jan

Greener Grass, or Just Stronger Fertilizer?

Lately much of my time has been consumed by pondering The Grass.  You know which grass I mean - that which is always greener, just on the other side of the fence.  As the good Dr. Phil has been heard to say, "The grass may be greener on the other side - but you still have to mow it!"

There comes a time in life (okay, it is generally between the ages of 35-45) when human beings experience a wake-up call.  I refuse to call it a "mid-life crisis" because that sounds so negative.  This is usually after several years of marriage, when the children are becoming more independent, and Mom and Dad actually get some breathing space.  There is a certain dissatisfaction that can creep up on us, a gnawing sensation something like:
OMYGOD!  MY LIFE IS HALF OVER AND IT IS NOT WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!  The dissatisfaction quickly gives way to panic, and much time is spent mulling over what to do.  Why I am I so unhappy?  Why did I marry this idiot?  Who carved these wrinkles and injected my arse with fat?! etc., etc..  The amount of time one spends trapped in this cycle of unhappiness varies, and also yields differing results according to the user.

Considering most of us marry when we are too young even to know when to come in from the rain, that is often a very handy excuse for the dissatisfaction.  Considering marriage nowadays generally does not seem to have a shelf-life greater than 20 years also gives an excuse: NO ONE could possibly remain married, it is unnatural, etc.  Yet this is a shift which has only come about in the last 35 yrs or so.  Speaking as one who has struggled with the notion of "til death do us part," (or at least considered speeding things along by way of a cast-iron frying pan to the head), I certainly understand the tedium, frustration, and anxiety inspired by marriage!

So what to do when "TGIAG" (The Grass Is Always Greener) syndrome strikes?  Firstly, recognize it as normal!  Dismiss any useless guilt that may crop up over such musings.  In the wise words of the late Albert Einstein, “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”  It is your right, even your duty, to question your own life:  how you got to this point, and whether it is in your own best interest to continue in your current direction.  You have infinitely more power than you think you do!  We all possess the power to improve our life; the question is whether or not we possess the courage to do so.  Without meaning to sound trite, it takes courage both to stay the course (when dissatisfied) and it also takes courage to abandon ship!  


My advice to you this day is not to rush into life-changing decisions.  Do your research, whether contemplating a career change or a relationship change.  There is no one more qualified to make your decision than you, as you alone know all of the ins and outs of your own life to this point.  You alone can decide what steps to take to improve your situation.  However, as my infinitely wise and equally annoying husband has been fond of telling me, dissatisfaction tends to follow us.  I believe what he is implying is that satisfaction basically must be manufactured from the inside out, rather than a simple change of circumstance (and when I say "circumstance," I also mean "partner!").  


There you have it - my deep thoughts on a fine March day, when the world is starting to awaken, albeit slowly, from the long grey slumber of winter.  This may be the season that you, too, start to awaken, and question all that you thought you knew!  Take it slowly, my friend.  Read, ponder, ask, and listen.  Be honest with yourself, if nothing else.  


Namaste, 
Rev. Jan


PRAYER TREATMENT:
My mind is part of the Infinite Mind.  I now receive the collective wisdom of all who have been and ever will be, giving me peace and directing my steps.  The wisdom of the ruling power of the Universe flows through me, and I easily receive proper direction in every area of my life.  I am open to receive all that is best for me, with sincere gratitude.  And so it is!

New Year, New Opportunities!

In looking for a quote to summarize my past year, I came across one in M. Scott Peck's book The Road Less Traveled & Beyond:  Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety.  It reads:

"Once a mind is truly stretched, it never returns to its former dimensions."

I just love that.  This has been one of the most difficult years of my entire life, as I have grappled, for the first time in earnest, with the Deep Questions about life, the universe, and everything.  I have cried.  I have yelled.  I have shaken my fist and I have heaved my shoulders, finally yielding to the Truth that what I had previously thought to be the Only Truth was instead a V.I.M.  That stands for Very Important Metaphor.  When one has lived their entire life taking a metaphor as the literal truth, one is in for quite an awakening upon finally becoming conscious! 

I now recognize my true, complete freedom in this world.  Without someone else insisting that I behave and/or believe in a certain way, I have total liberation - and total responsibility.  Whether I succeed or fail in my endeavors is totally up to me.  It is both daunting and thrilling at the same time.  This has been my first real year of adulthood, as I see it.  It only took me a full 40 years to get here!

HARDEST MOMENTS IN 2010:
Weight gain.
Bankruptcy.
Marital crisis.

BEST MOMENTS IN 2010:
Getting our dog!
Camping with friends.
Realizing that I no longer believe what I once did - and that I am all the richer for it.
Redefining my marriage, and finding that it is better than I had ever imagined it could be. 

WHAT I AM EXCITED ABOUT IN 2011:
Continued growth mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Old and new friendships.
Enjoying full health!
More time with family.
Changing careers - scary and exciting!
Performing with my band(s) and loving every minute on stage!

This New Year not only signifies the end of 2010, but the end of an entire decade.  This is significant.  Take a minute to ponder your life and how it has changed over the past 10 years.  Amazing, isn't it?  Over the past 10 years, I have moved numerous times; re-entered the work force; taken up a new career; transitioned my children from homeschool to regular school; and had my eyes opened on numerous occasions.  As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans."   How true!

The New Year, and the next decade, will doubtless bring many obstacles your way.  My challenge to you (and to me), is to instead see those same obstacles as opportunities.  The next 365 days will pass, regardless.  The question is, will you use them to grow?  To work towards new goals, refining them as required?  Pay attention when the Universe seems to deny your requests.  You may need to rephrase them, or otherwise adjust your course. 

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
~Alfred, Lord Tennyson, 1850

I am thankful for the passing of this year into the next.  I am thankful for the pain as well as the joy; for that is where true growth occurs.  I recognize that I am part of all that is in this Universe, and that I am able to share in its collective abundance and wisdom.  I give thanks for the breath which has sustained me, and for the unseen forces that have guided me safely through another journey around the sun.  I receive with gratitude the lessons to be learned in the New Year, and will do my best to learn them quickly.  And so it is.

May 2011 exceed your hopes and expectations! 
- Rev. Jan

The Most Wonderful Time Of the Year!

As the song says, this is The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.  Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, Christmas certainly does seem to be the time of year that brings out the best in people.  Despite the frazzle and frustration of trying to stretch those dollars just a little farther in order to get that *perfect* gift; despite the lack of parking spaces at the mall; and despite our lack of will power to resist yet another butter tart and glass of eggnog, there is still a joy peculiar to this special time of year.  I have noticed extra patience shown by drivers and shoppers alike.  I have seen folks who don't have much throw a little something into the Salvation Army Kettle to make Christmas merry for someone else.  I have been blessed to see some who don't normally practice volunteerism   don an apron and serve turkey dinner to those in need.

So, even though at times throughout this season I have felt more Bah! Humbug!  than Merry Christmas, on this Christmas Eve I do find myself reflecting on the joys that are present (pardon the Christmas pun) in my life all year through.  I have been blessed with friends, family, and good health.  I don't have much money, but I certainly have more than many who live in other parts of the globe.  If I need medical care, there is a hospital in my city.  We can afford insulin for our daughter.  Our car is still running.  Blessings abound, if we look for them.

My Christmas wish for you is that you will know deep, abiding peace, regardless of your current situation.  If I have learned anything in this life, it is the truth of the statement that "This, too, shall pass."  You may be broke today, and a millionaire tomorrow.  The only constant for us is change, so we'd better embrace it and learn from it.  As I look out at the stars twinkling above Canada this Christmas Eve, I am sending thoughts of peace and joy out into this beautiful world.

Namaste,
Rev. Janice